The Information Highway Is Paved With Swooning Preteen Girls

By Thomas Conner
© Tulsa World

My head is splitting in two and my eyes feel swollen. For about
two hours, I've been staring at several dozen web sites dedicated
to Tulsa's own sugar-pop export, Hanson. It's an exercise that,
while eventually mind-numbing, is actually quite funny and
sociologically telling.

The World Wide Web is a sticky wicket in which the ratio of
trivial nonsense to actual useful information fluctuates around 9
to 1. Where Hanson information falls into that equation is a bit
subjective.

But these days, young fans of pop bands do more than create a
fan club and titter together at slumber parties. They learn HTML
programming and set up a “tribute'' site on the web. The Hanson
album hasn't been out for two months, and there are easily 100
Hanson sites ready for search engines to snag. Most of them have
the same photographs and the same, misspelled pre-teen gushing
about how cute the boys are, and a few are informative,
entertaining and goldmines for any sociology student studying mass
hysteria.

Vicky, a youngster in New York, gets things rolling by swooning
all over her page, Vicky's Salute to Hanson
(http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Academy/1384/index.html). Along
with the ritual photo of the boys on the grass, she introduces her
page with this statement: “I dedicate this page to the greatest
band in the world (Hanson!). Even though they are already very
special, hopefully this page makes them recognize it even more! Luv
ya guys!'' If you're brave enough to click on her dedication page,
you'll see several paragraphs of unmitigated groveling, including a
sentence found on most Hanson sites: “I just wanna say I LOVE YOU
GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!'' Actual number of o's varies
from page to page.

Vicky's site includes some important FAQs (frequently asked
questions) about the boys, including “Are any of the Hansons
looking for a girlfriend?'' The answer — sorry, girls — is no.
Isaac already has one, she reports, and Taylor and Zac say they're
too busy to bother. Vicky says that “millions of girls would get
down on their knees to go out with one of the AVAILABLE Hanson
brothers,'' and, well, I'll leave that one alone.

One of many sites titled The Unofficial Hanson Page
(http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/5657) coordinates a running
poll of your favorite Hanson brother. As of Tuesday, Zac was ahead
with 128 votes, Taylor had 110 and Isaac had 102. Perhaps some of
these voters should tune into Lisa's Hanson Page
(http://members.aol.com/LMW3/lisa/hanson/hanson.html) and read some
of her biographical information, which goes beyond the basic
favorite color blather and includes things like “hidden talents.''

Isaac's hidden talent is an ability to imitate Kermit the Frog,
Bullwinkle and Butthead. Zac's hidden talent is an ability to speak
while belching. Taylor is a cartoonist.

That probably explains why, despite that one poll, Taylor is the
clear choice for young girls' hearts and web sites. He has numerous
sites dedicated strictly to himself. The Taylor Hanson Page
(http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/7320) features a spot where
you can post your own declarations of Taylor's cuteness for all to
read. The site's author herself writes that when she first heard
“MMMBop'' on MTV, she thought “the music was like nothing I had
ever heard before.'' In addition to her comparison of Taylor to a
young Kurt Cobain, this site serves as a painful reminder of just
how old the rest of us are.

There's also a Taylor Hanson Fan Club
(http://members.tripod.com/~Hanson161411/hansonHITZ.html) and a
Taylor Hanson Cult (http://members.aol.com/Shelly737/TayCult.html).
If it's actual information you want, look to the official
Mercury Records site
(http://www.polygram.com/polygram/mercury/artists/hanson/hanson—hom
epage.html) or the officially sanctioned Hanson site, where the
boys receive most of their e-mail (http://www.hansonline.com).

Another fan site, Weird's Hanson Page
(http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palms/1307) also has daily
updates on the band's media appearances (a thorough listing of
magazines — Tiger Beat, Teen, Sixteen, Seventeen, even Bop) as
well as some current articles and tour information. This site even
has its own Hanson theme song.

A Bartlesville fan put up a Hanson site, Landon's Tribute to
Hanson (http://users.aol.com/nadaace/hanson.html), which includes a
few choice tidbits about Landon's family's vague connection to the
Hanson family, something including a wedding appearance and a
handmade wall hanging. The site even features a constantly updated
picture window showing the view of Tulsa from a camera atop the
KJRH Channel 2 tower.

L.A.'s Hanson Reviews Page
(http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/9792/hanson.html) features
numerous reviews of Hanson appearances written by fans. One writer
describes the mayhem at the group's mobbed May 7 appearance at a
mall in Paramus, N.J. The scene is summed up when she says, “I do
not believed(sic) that I have ever screamed so much in my life.''

Other pages feature aimless nattering about the boys and the
girls who love them. Ruby, for instance, is a tad defensive about
her love of Hanson on Ruby the Droogster's Hanson Page
(http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/4936/hanson.html). She writes, “If
any assholes want to make fun of me, I don't give a crap. I can
like whoever and whatever I want.'' Other girls are in such a
lather they just out-and-out babble. Lisa, for instance, informs us
that her guinea pig is named Melody “from the way she bounces
around in her cage to ("MMMBop').'' Christine, a 13-year-old in
Tuscon, Ariz., on her page, My Hanson and Me Page
(http://members.aol.com/TeenAZ/index.html), tells us the
fascinating features of her life: “I play soccer and the violin. I
like to listen to Hanson and be with friends. I collect a lot of
things such as rocks and stickers.''

If you still want more, the Ultimate Hanson Links Page
(http://www.geocities.com/Eureka/6540) has links to 86 different
Hanson sites, including a Hanson page run by KISS 101.9 FM — a
station in Valdosta, Ga. (http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/8156).
Wouldn't it be nice if the boys' hometown radio stations gave as
much, if not more, such support as a radio station in
Valdosta-freakin'-Georgia? (Must this city's print media do
everything for local bands?)

Not everyone adores Hanson, though. Plenty of anti-Hanson pages
are out there, like the Hanson Haters Page
(http://www.toptown.com/NOWHERE/fatpo/agree2.html). This site is
under construction — photos are being digitally sliced and diced
as you read this — but the page's homophobic creators urge anyone
to e-mail them various fantasies to “kill, maim and then desecrate
the bodies of the Hanson sisters.'' The Marilyn Hanson Page
(http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/7936/mh.html) is actually
run by a fan, but anyone can enjoy the gallery of Hanson
photographs here all made up so that each Hanson looks like Marilyn
Manson. There's also another site, whose title I can't print in
this general newspaper, which contains adult language and
situations concerning the digestion of a particular part of the
Hanson brothers' anatomy. Find the other two anti-Hanson pages and
you'll find this one.

Whatever your take on the three Tulsa young'uns, there's a
mountain of gunk out there to view. And it's got Excedrin written
all over it.